Gabriel And The Mullah

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He passed down a long tunnel of light, into a bright void. All he could see was a small blue button with some writing under it. In 47 languages, one being his native Arabic, it was written:  If you are Male, ring this bell. If Female cover yourself and wait, unless you are a virgin; in that case, ring the bell continuously, until you feel a pain between your thighs for one second, then cover yourself and wait.

He pressed the button.

“Hello, can I help you?”

“Is this Allah himself, Praised be his name forever?”

“No of course not. This is Gabriel. Even Muhammad, praised be his name, went through me. Have you forgotten your Qur’an?”

“Sorry, I just thought, well, under the circumstances…”

“The circumstances aren’t that unusual. Read some history. What can I do for you?”

“Do I have to tell you? Don’t you know who I am?”

“OK; Of course. I was just trying to make you feel empowered. You seem so anxious.  I know who you were, and all about it.”

“You know who I were; I mean was? You mean I’m dead?”

“I’d say so. And male. That’s why your call got through. Otherwise you’d have got the phone tree. You know: If this, say one; if that say two; to infinity; then, if you last so long, the dial tone. We call that Limbo, just like the phone trees there among the… infidels; I don’t like to say their name. Can you believe the barbarians remember the Prophet Jesus, may he live forever, by eating his flesh and drinking his blood?  Yuq! But they invented some good scams, like hell, and limbo, and selling absolution, even though they were so stupid they killed Him. We use what we can of theirs, if it works.”

“But if I’m dead, where are my virgins?”

“For shame! They are only for young men who die bravely. Cadaverous mullahs who hide in caves don’t qualify, especially when they die like you did. I won’t go over details, so as not to embarrass you.”

“Surely, then, you know not who I am… or was; what I did, or you would speak otherwise.  My ideas, my acts, will change history.  They already have! The world of the Devil will collapse as did their place of worship, the twin Towers of Manhattan!”

“I regret to inform you that those ideas aren’t new. They’re  old as humanity. What’s worse, you killed a few thousand barbarians; but you opened the eyes and inflamed the hearts of millions, even many Muslims.”

” What! I taught our brothers to die fighting the infidels  using their  invention: technology. That was my genius, my own glorious tactic, in the name of Allah, Ilhmdulileh!”

“That has been foreseen since the beginning of that mythic and illusory technologic invention you call Time.  Every creation is born, and then dies. It is foreordained that humanity should destroy itself through its own inventions. The infidels are merely instruments of Time. And Allah of course.”

” But my followers will recreate the glory that was Islam of old. I, and I alone among Muslims of the past century have shown the way! My name shall be remembered forever!”

“Easy, old fellow. Easy.  Suicide is not well viewed here, or killing innocents for that matter. Shall I tell you what is to come?”

” I suppose you will insist; I’m in a poor position to stop you now.”

“Some men are good, and some are evil.”

“Well, duhhh…”

“Don’t get cute with me, camel-dung! As I was saying, some good, some evil, but individually men act more and more evil as they become more and more powerful.”

“That’s exactly why I’ve always said we have to kill the devils. Too much power.”

” I give you that; but that’s hardly an original thought.”

“But I did something about it, didn’t just think. I acted!”

“Well, duhhh back to you too. You’re not the first. The Parthians acted. The Greeks, Romans, Huns,  Mongols, the Goths; need I go on?   You’re silent. I see the wolf’s got your tongue!  As I was saying: Man, individually, becomes more and more evil as he attains more and more power. That happens even when, collectively, humanity behaves fairly well. It’s man’s technologic inventiveness that allows him to attain god like power.  Consider: As technology advances more and more, the time will come when each and every man has the power to destroy all others. When that happens, and it is inevitable, one man will use it. Or, one woman, since in much of the world rejected by you, my haughty and ignorant friend, women have power too.”

“I still think I did the right thing, to attack the devil with all my heart, and mind, all my being. And I still think I deserve my virgins.”

“The rules are the rules.”

” C’mon Gabe…One or two virgins, maybe?”

” Act your age. You couldn’t handle even one eight year old.  She’d knock you on your ass. You might have paid more attention to all that when you were alive. So stop wasting my time, and creep off to the receiving area. Or I’ll send you back to earth as a beautiful woman in a fundamentalist Islamic culture.”

The angel watched as the shriveled gaunt figure shuffled slowly off, mumbling inaudibly, and gesticulating furiously to no one but himself.

“One more thing,” added Gabriel. ” take the AK 47, and the plastic explosive out from under your bathrobe and  leave it with the angel of death.”

Dec 02

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