The angel Gabriel; Islam and Terror; Mullah’s reward
He passed down a long tunnel of light, into a bright void. All he could see was a small blue button with some writing under it. In 47 languages, one being his native Arabic, it was written: If you are Male, ring this bell. If Female cover yourself and wait, unless you are a virgin; in that case, ring the bell continuously, until you feel a pain between your thighs for one second, then cover yourself and wait.
He pressed the button.
“Hello, can I help you?”
“Is this Allah himself, Praised be his name forever?”
“No of course not. This is Gabriel. Even Muhammad, praised be his name, went through me. Have you forgotten your Qur’an?”
“Sorry, I just thought, well, under the circumstances…”
“The circumstances aren’t that unusual. Read some history. What can I do for you?”
“Do I have to tell you? Don’t you know who I am?”
“OK; Of course. I was just trying to make you feel empowered. You seem so anxious. I know who you were, and all about it.”
“You know who I were; I mean was? You mean I’m dead?”
“I’d say so. And male. That’s why your call got through. Otherwise you’d have got the phone tree. You know: If this, say one; if that say two; to infinity; then, if you last so long, the dial tone. We call that Limbo, just like the phone trees there among the… infidels; I don’t like to say their name. Can you believe the barbarians remember the Prophet Jesus, may he live forever, by eating his flesh and drinking his blood? Yuq! But they invented some good scams, like hell, and limbo, and selling absolution, even though they were so stupid they killed Him. We use what we can of theirs, if it works.”
“But if I’m dead, where are my virgins?”
“For shame! They are only for young men who die bravely. Cadaverous mullahs who hide in caves don’t qualify, especially when they die like you did. I won’t go over details, so as not to embarrass you.”